I’ve had a lot of big life events recently, and one thing those things have allowed me is the chance to reassess everything that I’m doing. My career, my relationships, my mental health, my friendships. Literally nothing is on or off the table at this point in time. This is freeing in a way, but also a bit overwhelming and scary. Up until this point, everything was basically set up for me. Of course I had to work hard to achieve my goals, but the path was laid bare by those who came before me. Not to over simplify, but the basic insinuation was to practice, obsess and get really good at clarinet, and then the opportunities will come with enough determination. Along that path, I never paused to think, why am I actually doing this? My relationship with music has shifted drastically over the years. Sometimes it’s the best thing that ever happened to me, and there are other times where the last place I want to be is on stage performing a concert. I think this is normal and if you feel this way, there is nothing wrong with you. 40-50 years is a long-ass career, and you shouldn’t expect to feel “amazing” or “lucky to be doing this” all of the time. Give yourself grace and be kind to yourself.

One of the questions I’ve been asking myself recently is why do I play music? My answer to this has shifted over time, and perhaps shifts constantly! Sometimes it takes on a very utilitarian form such as:

I play music to make a living

Before anyone jumps on me, THAT’S A PERFECTLY GOOD REASON TO DO SOMETHING. What’s wrong with wanting a nice life? Clarinet was my vehicle for this and I shouldn’t feel guilty about it.

I play music because I am good at it

Clarinet was the first thing I was truly the best at growing up. Best can mean a lot of things, but in my small suburban Chicago circle, I was that. It’s a great feeling to be the best at something. I can now say with confidence that I’m one of the best Bass Clarinetists in the world. That’s pretty cool and something to be proud of, and it is also a perfectly reasonable why.

I play music for an escape

Life throws a lot of crazy shit at us, and it can be nice to get lost in an hour of JeanJean Vade Mecum (maybe nice is a strong word). When I was diagnosed with cancer this summer and had surgery, I couldn’t wait to get back to playing because I knew it would stop my intrusive thoughts and give me a why for an hour or two.

I play music to help people

Teaching has become a much bigger part of my life recently. Some of my most proud moments as a musician has been hearing the success of others due in small part to my assistance. Success is a large collection of failures, and I love sharing my failures with others. It’s an awesome feeling.

I play music to make people feel something

As far as performing, I came to the conclusion that the ultimate why is to make people feel something. It doesn’t matter what the emotion is, as long as it is evoked that’s a job well done and a job worth doing. I’m trying my best moving forward to feel emotions as I play. Let myself come to tears as I hear my wonderful colleagues pull phrases. This past Wednesday night, we had the pleasure of performing Steve Hackman’s “Resurrection Mixtape” which is a mashup of the music of Biggie and Tupac with Mahler’s Second Symphony. It’s one of the most genius pieces of writing, and it made me feel a lot of different things. As I looked out on the audience this past Wednesday, it was very clear that they felt something as well. The way that they were moving to the music, and of course their response as we finished parts of the piece. Isn’t that the goal? Why else do people go to concerts if not to feel something? I think we spend too much time and agency as musicians focused on what we want. Why are we performing concerts where the majority of the audience and the musicians on stage feel absolutely nothing? What is the point? So we can say that we played Messiaen? We’ve been hearing for years how the orchestra industry needs to move forward, yet we do nothing and continue the same tired things. More experiences and less ego driven programming would do everyone a lot of good.

Before 2026 began, I made two promises to myself, both of which I will elaborate on.

I will not spend any time or energy on people or things that do not bring me happiness or joy

How many of us have spent time around people because we felt like we had to? We needed to make an appearance at a party or acted like we cared when we didn’t. I’m 37 years old, and I realized that I just don’t have any time or energy to spend on people who don’t bring me joy. Why spend time with a “friend” who is constantly negative or complaining about others when you can spend it doing something you enjoy? It’s been amazing the change this has had on my psyche and I’m never going back.

I will not let anything having to do with music or clarinet stress me out

I’ve given music and clarinet so much, and unfortunately it hasn’t given enough back to me to warrant the investment I've put in. Of course it’s given me this career, a great job, and the ability to travel and meet many different kinds of people, but it’s also taken a lot of things away from me. At times it’s taken away my mental capacity, my mental health, my weekends, my free time, my friendships, my agency and autonomy. That’s a lot to sacrifice. For some, it’s a sacrifice worth making and I think for a long time that’s how I felt, but our perspectives shift over time. I’ve made a conscious decision moving forward to practice when I want to and not when I feel like I have to. Of course I will do enough to make sure that I’m doing a proper job in the orchestra, but the time I previously spent going above and beyond is over. It is well past time for me to let be what is going to be. If there is a gig I don’t want to do, I won’t do it. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone, and it’s time to enjoy the fruits of my labor and parts of life that I've neglected for so long. The irony in all of this? I’m playing better now than ever before.

*With conductor Kevin John Edusei after Shostakovich 10*

Am I going to be playing music two years from now, five years from now or thirty years from now? I have no idea, but I can rest easy knowing that if I’m not, I gave it my all and accomplished way more than I ever thought I would. Like WAY more. I’ve played basically every meaningful piece of orchestral repertoire on principal clarinet. I’ve auditioned for and been a finalist for some of the best orchestras in the world. I’ve played with many of the best orchestras in the world, including on principal clarinet, and always been invited back. I’ve taught some of the best students and been able to mentor some incredible young musicians. I’ve conducted myself with integrity and professionalism wherever I’ve been, and I’ve always strived to be someone that people admire not only for how I play, but for who I am and how I treat people. I have a great tenured job in a fantastic orchestra in a fantastic city, and have really become a part of this place that I now consider home.

I love Indianapolis; the city, the culture, the people, the way of life. I guess I can say that music gave me this city and the many beautiful people that inhabit it who now inhabit my life. Maybe that’s my why.

From Steve Hackman’s “Resurrection Mixtape”

Why do we play music?